Remember, remember, it's, uh, Movember. Or something like that, I guess. Anyway, check out this abomination:
I'm usually wearing a beard - I shaved it for this thing. Which is fun, I think. Let's see if I get to "proper moustache" by the end of the month.
Let's talk about the moustache in the room
Besides going through the hilariously terrible phases of growing (and having) a moustache, no matter if it suits me or not, I'm doing this for another reason.
As I'm writing these lines, I'm a bit taken aback as I realise that I'm not sure how to say what I want to say. And that's exactly the problem.
As men, we're socialised to be strong, to take whatever the world throws at us - to conquer, to fight, to brave whatever we're facing. What we're unfortunately not told is that it's fine to ask for help, to deal with things together. And, maybe that's the most important part, that emotional challenges are just as hard and as real as physical ones.
I think most men would be fine to ask for help with things that require physical effort and teamwork. But the moment it becomes emotional or psychological, they turn inward.
Let me make that clear: While idiots continue to exist everywhere, many men are very well willing and capable to help others with emotional or psychological issue. Sure, not everyone is equally emotionally available, but in general we're not having a problem in helping family, friends, kids and partners when they seek emotional support or struggle with psychological challenges. But for some reason we're unwilling to do so when it's us who need the help.
A personal story
I've been somewhat open about dealing with depressive episodes every now and then. I am extremely lucky to have an amazing wife, a great circle of friends and yet, it's difficult to deal with.
Part of that difficulty is that I don't have the words, the tools nor the courage to talk about it sometimes. I read a lot, I like to think of myself as generally being in touch with my emotions, but I struggle nonetheless. And that's being in fantastic circumstances to do so. Why is that?
Another factor was that - for large parts of my life - I was absolutely convinced that everyone's got problems, what makes me think it's okay to put my problems on top of theirs? So my deeply-ingrained belief was that I got do "deal with it myself". What a bunch of bullshit - and yet, really hard to shake off.
Only throughout the last years, I gradually unpacked that, made myself aware of it and managed to open to my wife and closest friends - and boys, I tell ya, it's been great. If they're the right people, it'll make you feel so much lighter immediately. If you feel worse for it or they mock you for opening up, they're the wrong people. Get the hell away from them.
The pattern is everywhere
And then I looked around and back. This is everywhere.
We're seeing positive male characters in media who are strong and not only deal with their problems, but also those of the people around them. Oh and then there are the men who aren't doing that getting pity and ridicule. Hm.
But besides that, a lot of men I know are carrying their loads in silence and solitude. It's subtle. What used to be "Great!" as a response to a (genuine, not culturally-expected) "How are you?" turns into an "It's fine" or "Alright". At face value, this is okay, right?
It isn't. It's a small nudge - sometimes to see if the person asking actually cares, sometimes to feel if there's willingness to discuss what's really going on. But even if you happen to have the emotional capacity to help them and you follow up to get a real answer... it remains difficult.
This happens across generations and throughout all social relationships and standings. Now that I realised the pattern that I, myself, often used and honestly still sometimes use today, I spot it coming from other men too.
Let's talk about it
If you have someone in your life who might be struggling - please voice your concerns, but do so in a private, safe setting. Don't take it at face value, we've learned to bury these things deep and keep them at bay with strong defenses and deflections.
Yes, many of us are carrying some burden, some more some fewer. But I think it's time we're finding allies not only for physical work that is big enough to warrant a team effort; we need a team for our emotional and mental work, too.
And if someone reaches out and you don't have capacity to help, at least listen. It helps a lot already to be able to talk it out without fear of being ridiculed or perceived as weak.
Another thing to note: Sometimes I don't want a solution, sometimes I know my options already - but I just need to get it out of my system, to know that someone knows and has my back, should I need it.
As I wrote these lines, it started feeling easier as well - the fear from the beginning of this post has been replaced by hope. So, please, talk about what burdens your mind.
You can support me on raising money and awareness for Movember here